parkplace's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scars Will Always Leave A Mark Listening To: Sell My Cloths, I'm Off To Heaven by Saves The Day I dont want to write this entry. Just forgive and forget is what I want to do, even though I know this will take a long time to mend. He condemned me to my bedroom because I haven't started my homework. It's only 7:30 and that is what ticked me off. He has so much power over me and he is so ignorant and so naive. That is what killed me inside. It ate me alive. I hated the ignorant monoarchy that my dad has built for years. I just kept staring out of my window last night. I was getting more and more enraged with anger towards my dad. It was just all bottling up inside of me to the point were I just wanted to punch his face in so hard. All of this grounding he has assigned to me over the past year regarding stupid reasons and naive judgement. I try so hard to be a wonderful, nice, and caring citizen and he makes me feel like shit. Dinner was served. My father rang the doorbell that is connected to my third-floor bedroom and I plodded downstairs: I was furiated. I was amazingly angry and I knew the only way I could make anything better was to scream at my father. I sat down with a blank face that hid all the chaos in my head. I was not showing any emotion at all. I was eating and staring at our well-lit candle chandalier and I was trying to hold up this titanic tower of anger that is ready to break loose and crumble right before everyones eyes. He asked me was the problem was. He asked me what is mother fucking problem was. I stared right into his eyes and I peirced through them while I said "...you." He seemed confused and so he asked if I wanted to illaborate on my comment and I told him not right now in front of everyone. I got up from the table and asked him if he could meet me up in my room once he was done with his dinner. He said "only if you wont yell at me." I lied. I stared out my window, waiting for my door to open, waiting for him to come in and fall into my trap. I was thinking in my head what I should start this one-way argument with. Before I knew it, he opened to door. I told him to close the door and sit down. I burst. I screamed at him with every ounce of energy I held up in my soul. Every other sentence was that I hated his guts. I must've said that I hated him about 15 times. I screamed in his face how he is such a bad father. I kept screaming and yelling and insulting him and yelling at him and screaming for so long that I finally just brokedown, hysterically crying on my bed. I had blown a fuse in my mind. I was so enraged with anger. He just left me on my bed to cry. But after I stopped crying and after everything was calm and cool. I felt so relieved for some reason. I felt like a huge burden was taken off of my shoulders. I knew what I did to my father was completely wrong, but in my state of mind last night I was repeating in my headn that it was needed to be done. I have never yelled at anyone with so much power and with so much hatred in my life, let alone at my father. After the fight, all my feelings about how much I hated my father trailed behind him as he exited my room. I woke up this morning with my throut like sandpaper. Once I got ready, my father asked me to go into the kitchen to talk. I knew what was going to happen: It was his turn now. All of his points were valid though. He was right in most cases. He told me that if I hated him so much that I could move up to my mothers and I wanted to interrupt him and say that I would never want to do that and that I love him with all of my heart and that I only said that stuff because I was so engraged with anger from some reason. But I couldn't because it would seem like I used him as an outlet of my anger and that I was letting everything that I hated in this world out on him. The fact of the matter is that that it's perfectly true about letting everything out on him and Hannah, my step-mother, made it clear to me. She was in the same room as my Father and I this morning and she did most of the talking. She pin-pointed every reason I raised hell with my father last night: he is an easy, easy target. I yell at him and he will still take care of me. I will scream at him and I will feel like it okay to do so because he is the best person to target. He is too vulnerable. Hannah surfaced all of these underground reasons that I was brainwashed under. She made me realize that my father is a great man and I abused him beyond belief. In my eyes right now I think that almost all of the sorries in this world cannot heal my own guilt for what I have done for my father. I can't do anything for him to ease that pain I have inside of me for what I said to him last night. I love my father to death. To fucking death and if he grunds me for a month or a year, I dont blame him. I deserve all of the knives in the world to be stabbed in my head for what I have done to my father last night. The only way I can heal not only myslef, but also my father, is to show him that I am a new kid. That I don't hate him at all. That I would die for him anywhere, anytime. It will take months to heal our wounds I have so selfishly embedded into our souls, but I have sworn to myself that I will do whatever it takes to make my father contempt with me agian. It's not like me to do anything like that to anyone. I just wish we can both move on together and stitch up the cuts with the same needle and thred. I have done somthing horribly wrong. I honestly think there is somthing really wrong with me. 5:39 p.m. - 09-23-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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