parkplace's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vacation, Friends, And Tiny Chinese Umbrellas Listening To: Screaming Infidelities By Dashboard Confessional Today is the last day of vacation. Wait? Does that mean we have ot go to school tommarow? I THINK SOOOOOO YAYAYAYAYAYAY!! Kill me now and fast before I feel it... Anywhoo, to finish off my vacation, my father, step-brother, his friend, my friend, and I took a trip to Sunapee mountian to snowboard. Snowboarding is my favorite thing to do. FAVORITE!! I love it so much. I woke up at 6:30 A.M. to pack up and get ready. We got there at about 10:00 (leaving at about 8:30) and I had the time of my life until 4:00, when the mountain closes. I got a snowboard for christmas so I was happy to use it for the second time (the first was when I wen't to Okemo Resort with my friend Ben and his family...Ben was annoying up there, but I had fun with my new board). Today I learned how to do a 180�, a mute, an indie, a nose grab, and how to grind frontside and also boardside. I had lots of "trial and error", but I had so much freakin fun. The funniest fall I had was when my step-bro, Kyle, made a small, but awsome, jump that shoots you in the air. First time I went off it I tried to do a 180� (by this time, I still had not sucessfully land a 180�). Well, what happened was I went off the jump, did a quarter of a front flip (which means my face is facing the snow), and landed straight on the left side of my jawbone. THAT WAS FUN!!! AND IT DIDN'T HURT!! I SWEAR!!! My friend Brad came with me up there because Ben, Chuck, and Mike are recording their first reall record. My relationship with the band (Sprained Personality for the people who don't know the band) has gotten extremly distant. So has my friendship with not only Ben, Chuck, and Mike, but also Julia and Kelly. The band thing with me I think is going to be over soon. They didn't really inform me that it was coming up. Well, they told me about tewo weeks ago that they are gunna record today, but they didn't even call me to come over with them. I'm getting scared becuase Ben, Chuck, Julia, and Kelly, are all I have when it come to best friends. I'm saying about five or six more months until contact has been lost. I know its gunna come. It's not like I have been avioding them, I have tried to hang out with them for a long ass time. I can't imagine what my life would be without them. They are my fricken foundation. If they basically lose intrest in me...everything is going to crumble... As I was taking a shower this morning, I thought about random shit. I remember thinking to myself about how many people right at this moment are holding those tiny umbrellas you get from the chinese restaurants. Then it struck me, I almost forgot to take my medication for my a.d.d. I HATE HAVING ADD SO MOTHER FUCKING BADLY! It's like I have a brain problem that makes me look stupid in front of people. Why me? I fucking hate having add. This fucking dissability makes me take one pill called Aderall every fucking morning. Every single time I take it, I get depressed because I know I am dependent on this fucking orange capsule to make me look normal. I can't get over it. Fuck me so much. I hate myself so fucking much. I just want to kill myself and get my fucking life over with. None of my friends call me anymore more (probably becuase they have forgotten about me or think I am annoying), The only sport I so is Snowboarding, Swampscott High School is fucking ripping me apart, my house is fucking ripping me apart. and this emo music is ripping my apart. I think I really am seriosly want ot kill myself now. I think I am serious. What shocks me is that I have been literally existing as my self for 15 years. I can't believe I can stand my own self for 15 years. People think I am annoying, well I THINK I AM ANNOYING. I have been trying so hard with my social life and I have been trying to get out of this depression for a long time. I think the only way to end my depression now is to seriously end my life. SHIT NOW I FEEL LIKE CRYING, ANOTHER WONDERFUL TRAIT BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOURS TRULY!!! Fuck ME SO MUCH!!!!!! WHY CAN'T I BE THAT GUY IMAGE!!!! I TRY SO FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMONE HELP ME FUCING PLEASE BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!! BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY THINK I AM AND SOON!!! FUCK!! FUCK EMO MUSIC! FUCK CRYING!! FUCK MY REALTIONSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS!!! FUCK ALL OF THIS!!!! WHY DO I TRY SO HARD AT LIVING THE "IMAGE" AND WHY DO I EXAGERATE EVERYTHING ONLY TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF!! I TRY SO FUCKING HARD, BUT WHAT AM I GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS? NOT BEING INSULTED AND HUMILIATED!!! WONDERFULL!!! ONE THING THAT I REALLY FUCKING HATE IS WHEN BEN FUCKING SAY STUPID INSULTS ABOUT 5,000,000 TIMES!!! HEY BEN, STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT I SUCK AT EVERYTHING AND THEN LAUGH AT ME WHEN I ASK YOU TO STOP BECAUSE I DONT GIVE NINE HUNDRED MOTHER FUCKING SHITS IF I ITS A JOKE AND IF I AM TAKING IT TOO FAR. I DONT SEE THINGS NORMALLY!! STOP INSULTING ME LIKE SAYING, "Parker, we all know you suck at snowboarding!". YOU MUST HAVE SAID THAT AT LEAST FIFTY TIMES AT THE SKI LODGE. I CAN'T TAKE IT BEN!! I AM A FUCKING WEAK BABY WHO CAN'T TAKE ONE INSULTS BECUASE I AM TOO EMOTIONAL FUCK LIFE!! IT'S OVER WITH!!!
7:36 p.m. - 02-23-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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