parkplace's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The First Star You See May Not Be A Star Listening To: Konstantine by Somthing Corporate Right now I am so fucking depressed. My head feels like a cloud has been stuffed into it and I hate that feeling of confusion. Oh god I fucking hate feeling down. It's because I didn't take my medication yesterday and I took it today and when I don't take it and then get back onto it, I get extremly irritated and aggrivated. That's what I feel right now. I fucking can't take this anymore. Even though I don't know what it is in which I can't take. Maybe it's the way my friends look at me. Lets take Kelly for example. She looks at me as a conceded show-off who is so ignorant about life. She will never look at me like a serious human. She will always see me as somone who know nothing about life. Like if I say "Oh god Kelly, I was so depressed last night," she would think in her head "yeah okay Parker. Like you even know what it's like to be depressed." Let's take Julia. She thinks of me somwhat similar to Kelly except she takes me a little more seriosly. If I said that I was depressed to Julia, she would ask why, but really not care so much. And then we have Bens image of me. Ben thinks of me as one of those friends who you don't really want to hang out with them, but if they call and ask to come over, you would accept and chill with them. He'll let you hang with him, but never in his wildest dreams he would talk personally to you or tell you any secrets. Ben thinks of me as an oppritunity. An oppritunity to make people laugh. An oppritunity to basically torcher somone so that other people can get some enjoyment. But the funny thing is is that I totally understand why he would think of me as that. It's because I react. I react to the things he does to me. My reaction is the thing people look for. I can hear him say "Hey, look at this guys, 'Hey Parker. Run!'" I know what he wants me to do. He has a rock in his hand, telling me to run. He wants my reaction. He wants that feeling of total power over people, even when that person just wants to be left alone for two seconds. My worst fear though is that I will slip out of the circle and replaced by somone else. Why can't I be the one in which somone calls for help. Why can't I be called by Ben who is asking to come over. WHY! I just to stop looking over my shoulder and seeing people talk about me. I just want to stop looking back and thinking to myself "why the fuck did I do that." I wish somone could fall to me. I wish that I could have a best friend and that person would consider me as their best friend. I just fucking hate myself so much. I think I should kill myself. I really should. This shit is just unbearable. I have no true friends. I do do a lot for my friends, despite what they say. I honestly think that should kill myself. I really do. Bens right. I can't be a professional skaterboarder. I am not good at acting. I can't be a snowboarder. I am worthless in this world. Totally worthless. All I do is write in this diary and make templates and go onto this computer while I waste away. I am not a good friend. I fucking hate this so much. I am a waste in this world I a need to be put in a trashcan. When I die, only then when people like Ben and Kelly will truely see how kind I was. They will remember all the thing I did for them and they would be sorry for everything that they did because I will be gone and they wont never ever have the chance to say that they are sorry. Yeah, I'm gunna kill myself. I really am. I have nothing to live for. My dreams wont come true, I will never get the respect I deserve from my friends. I will always look behind my back and see somone like Mike look at Ben like I have three heads. I will always react. I should just end it. 12:37 a.m. - 07-09-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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